Published October 15, 2007
I leaned my head against the window of the passenger seat hard, as if aching for it to fall away so I could collide with the pavement that was moving by me too quickly to give me any semblance of what adjectives I could use to describe it. Opening the window, possibly an easier solution then tearing off a door, was slightly out of the question; October didn't seem to treat the country road we were on any kinder then it did my city ones. I wouldn't have minded the breeze, but the other temporary residents of the car weren't as accepting.
"You can really see the sky out here." I mused out loud, and in my head I spoke quietly, but in actuality I spoke louder then I would ever have intended for a thought so blatantly ostentatious. Normally I avoid thinking in such clichéd phrases but it was unavoidable here.
You could really see the sky.
"You can do that everywhere." Unwillingly, my magnetized eyes slid away from the heavens. Coming back down to earth so abruptly made me dizzy, especially when that earth I was crash-landing in wasn't home; everything surrounding me was different. The land was not only flat, but barren. The road was not only never-ending, but empty. I was used to such spaces but them being as void as they were right now wasn't something I would ever bring myself to grow comfortable with.
But still, you could see the sky.
I didn't know what I was getting at before, but in that instance my unnatural affliction for keeping my eyes on the stars every time I go south of anywhere made sense: the sky was the only busy thing I could find out here.
The sky was the only place the city could ever be more still then the country. With the exceptions of the Fourth of July, you can't see shit in the sky five miles from the city. If 'smog' was a verb, city skies could smog you to death in a heartbeat, or rather lack of one, because you'd be dead. You'd have been smogged to death.
Out here, the sky was all I could see, heavy with stars, alive with color if you watch for long enough. The ground didn't interest me, it weighed me down with all its empty; the sky lifted me to heights the sky I was used to just couldn't compete with.
I hedged; explaining epiphanies to the unenlightened was like asking an eight ball a question; always a reaction, hardly ever the one you want, and much less often is it an honest one.
"You can really see the sky from here."
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141,395 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I really liked the way you have played around with images in this story. You have a very descriptive writing style and it worked especially well for this particular story. Mostly because the main plot, or rather the main theme of the story here is conveyed by the differences in the descriptions of two opposite poles - the city and the village.
I also liked the abstractness of the narration. At first, you really couldn't tell what the story was going to be about. It had a faraway voice to it, as if the narrator was delivering her thoughts before they had completely formed in her head. There was something wonderous about it, something curious that at once engaged us in the story. Its only later that we get to realize what is happening and the nostalgia becomes suddenly so evident in the narration that I wondered how I could have missed it from the beginning.
I also liked the way you used repetition to create an almost poetic effect. By putting emphasis on the fact that the narrator could indeed see the sky from there, you gave us a glimpse of her internal processes, of the struggle that was most probably going on inside her as she tried to adapt to this enermous change in her life. I could empathize very well with her in that moment and I think that is what made this story really captivating - the fact that you oacked it with so much simple and raw emotion that the readers could not help but be pulled away with the narrator's thoughts.
Just one point:
This sentence is way too long. Normally, it wouldn't have been an issue in the middle of the narration, but since this is the very first line, I suggest cutting it short to a more manageable length so that it is easier for your readers to follow. You can't have them stumbling over the words before the story has even began.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hi all. It's Kyte, for those who don't know. The story was good, yes, and the sky metaphor had a place. And I like this:
"If smog was a verb, you'd be dead in a heartbeat, or lack of one."
Great imagery. Keep it up.
Here's a thought: "I let my head thud against the concrete, wondering... What adjectives should I use to describe this?"
I like how you used the sky as your comparing point as to the differences between city and suburban living. Its a good and original metaphor because its common but not everyone realizes due to the huge emotional change obviously going on in their life, but they way you tied it in with your emotions is really good. I have to say though, if theres one point of your narrative I have to criticize is, you guessed it, your sentence structure. I mean, I'm also a culprit of creating sentences with hard to relate structures, but I must say it really is difficult to understand.
I really enjoyed reading your post though. Even though I've never lived in a suburb, I can imagine the agony of being ripped away from your entire way of life just by reading this story.
Thank you for all the feedback!
And yeah, I'm guilty when it comes to the sentence thing. I can't even hide behind an excuse of not knowing I do it, because I'm a repeat offender. It's a problem that I'll deal with eventually.
I'm glad you guys like the concepts, because overall that's another thing I see myself struggling with.
I'm glad you both enjoyed reading it!
Rah! Such a cool concept. I like.
I think your only problem here is that some of your sentence structures are a little awkward. Some of them are just very, very long, and I'm not sure you realized that when you were writing them.
This is a mouthful. My advice for you would be - like Cade suggested - to print this out and read it aloud. If you have a good buddy or younger sibling (11-13 age range is a good sample market), try making them read it out loud. If there's a sentence that they stumble on, mark it, because there's a good chance that if someone else got tongue-twisted when they tried to read it, your readers might get the words jumbled as well.
If something is ostentatious, it implies that it's blatant.
Cool beans!
The last bit had a couple places where you seemed to switch tense, but over all your flow was very nice. I really like the idea of this piece - I've always been a city girl, but when we used to go camping in Kentucky... man, I never knew there were so many stars!
You have an interesting premise here; I definitely know what you're talking about because I moved from a rural area to the suburbs when I was ten. You have some great descriptions here, too, and you did a good job of balancing imagery with emotion and thought.
Syntax. My main complaint is that some of your sentences are structured rather sloppily. They're difficult to understand; maybe not to you, because you wrote them, but readers get really annoyed when they have to read a sentence twice just to understand it. It makes the reader get more caught up in trying to sort it all out than in actually understanding the piece.
Here are a few examples:
The best thing you can do to handle these problem sentences is to read them aloud. Think, does this sound natural, or am I struggling to express it in the way I want to express it? Also, have a friend read it over; sometimes you look over these sentences because you wrote them, so you, naturally, know what they mean, but a friend might not, so have your friend read the piece aloud.
I also see you're new. Welcome to YWS! I hope to see more of your work in the future.
-Colleen